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Dear Joan

by Joan Oates  

Dear Joan,

Im a stay-at-home mom of two young kids. Im also the one that does most of the shopping, so Im the one who gets the credit for things the kids receive. My husband often hears, "Dad, look what Mom got me." His usual reply is something like, "That was nice of her." Lately hes admitted that he is feeling left out and he wants to feel recognized as a "fun" parent, too. How can we help our kids see that its not just the parent making the purchase who is doing the giving? Thanks, Becky

Dear Becky,

Since kids pay attention to actions not words, telling your children that "Dad contributes, too," will have little effect; so you must show them through behavior. This is less of a problem for major items like birthday and holiday gifts where both parents tend to be present. Its the everyday small purchases that usually create this feeling of disconnectedness.

Get creative: Some ideas would be having Dad sit down with the kids to write out the grocery list and have the kids witness him adding some of their favorite foods to the list. Schedule a time for Dad to take the kids somewhere, even on an errand, and then stop for a treat such as ice cream or McDonalds on the way home. Have a box of inexpensive little gifts in the car trunk that Dad can occasionally distribute when he gets home. Keep track of your own giving and practice restraint when necessary to create an opportunity for Dad.

Hi Joan,

In June our oldest childs first-grade teacher recommended retaining him. Our kids are just 11 months apart, so this means they would be in the same grade this fall. Im not sure thats a good idea. Where can I learn more about retention and its effects?  Thanks. Liz

Hi Liz,

Grade retention is in much debate. The current push for high educational standards has placed much pressure on school districts. More and more kids are facing the possibility of retention because theyre not achieving test scores required to move to the next grade level. Retention is viewed as a way to ensure greater accountability of educational policy, and the idea of giving a child another year to "catch up" sounds like a positive alternative.

  However, research shows that for kids who are retained, the results are not always positive. To learn more, the Center for Development and Learning has an excellent article titled "Grade Retention: Achievement and Mental Health Outcomes." You can find it at www.cdl.org.

Dear Joan,

My three-year-old daughter loves to go to our local playground and play. She gets along well with the other kids for about 45 minutes and then things start to go bad. She begins to get bossy and demanding, sometimes even hitting or throwing sand at other kids. The playtime usually ends with me carrying her to the car while she screams in protest. I feel angry and embarrassed when she acts this way. Help?

Dear Help,

Certain patterns in life get established at a very young age. Parents will often ask me, "Where/when did this behavior begin?" Frequently behavior problems can be traced back to very early stages of development. The stage your daughter is in now is learning how to enter and exit social situations graciously. This is learned behavior and what she is currently learning is to exit a situation emotionally and dramatically. Improving this behavior will take time; start with knowing your childs limits. If you know she only has 45 minutes in her before things start to go awry, then arrange to arrive later so that she has a 30-minute playdate. She needs to receive a different message about leaving the playground: from "we are leaving because you cant get along with others" to "we are leaving because it is time to go." She will still act out when you leave while things are going well; however, this acting out will diminish over time if you stay consistent. It is a challenge for parents to leave when their child is still having fun; however, always waiting for things to turn bad sends the wrong message on how to exit a situation.

  At home, pay attention to how family and friends meet and greet each other. Its important that she witness others joining and parting company in a positive and friendly manner. An exercise I do with my clients is the "30 Day Family Hello-Goodbye Challenge." I challenge them for 30 days to have every hello/goodbye and good morning/goodnight with family members be loving, kind and affectionate. That means, words of kindness, a smile and a hug and if they're feeling really generous, all three. Do you accept the challenge?

Joan Oates is a Licensed California Registered Nurse with a private practice in Stress and Anger Management. You can contact her at 916-612-0702 or read her blog at www.jsocbtcoach.com.

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Dear Joan,

We think it's time to start some sort of allowance for our kids, ages four and six years old. After checking around with family and friends on this subject, we have received many differences of opinion. Are they too young for an allowance? Is allowance bribery and is that OK? What would be the appropriate amount for these ages?

Thanks, Joanne in Elk Grove

Dear Joanne,

In some households, allowance is a major issue. The conflict is generally over whether to have an allowance and then how much it should be. In my opinion, your children are the perfect age to begin the use of chore charts and token rewards. Money for the younger one, however, may not have as much significance as say colorful tokens or tickets.

I  n regards to bribery, "to bribe" is to have influence over the conduct of another; so in that respect, yes, allowance is bribery. However, parenting requires that you be able to have influence sometimes extreme influence over the behavior of your child. In this regard, giving an incentive can be a valuable parenting tool.

  Children begin to understand the value of money around the ages of six to eight years old. In households that use money as the reward, I see $1 to $2 per year of age per week or flat rates of $10 to $20 per week. This distribution is usually based on what the parents have decided the child needs to start buying for themselves.

Dear Joan,

My son is seven years old and is in the second grade. His teacher thinks he's ADHD and is pushing for me to take him to the doctor and get him medicated. I dont want to medicate my child even if he is ADHD, which I dont think he is. Can the school really push me in this direction if I don't agree?

Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Your frustration with your childs school is shared by many. I work with families from Auburn to Elk Grove and have experience with most school districts. Some districts handle these situations better than others. Currently, schools/teachers may not recommend that children be medicated and the school/teacher is not the source of diagnosis of ADHD. The diagnosis of ADHD comes from a medical doctor. Teachers may inform you, however, of behaviors that are ADHD-type behaviors, such as an inability to sit still or stay focused on a task and suggest you visit your pediatrician. A teacher may also request an SST (student study team) meeting to discuss behaviors that may be impacting learning.

  If indeed your child is ADHD, early intervention will result in the best outcomes. Intervention does not necessarily mean medication; there are many effective ways of dealing with ADHD other than medication. Early intervention, however, does require being alerted to the problem, and as a parent your best early warning system is your childs teacher.

Dear Joan,

I have two boys who are four and seven years old. It does seem they get more worked up after eating certain foods. My husband thinks I'm imagining it. Is there any concrete proof of this that I can show my husband so he will give me more support on this?

Thanks, Terri

Dear Terri,

I have just what you are looking for, a study published online in the medical journal The Lancet, Thursday, Sept. 6, 2007. Study Title: Artificial Food Additives Increase Levels of Hyperactivity in Children in the General Population. You can read about it online or read a summary of the study on my blog at www.jsocbtcoach.com.

Dear Joan,

Our three year old doesn't talk much; she communicates well but mostly with hand gestures and demonstration. She likes to look at books but really doesn't seem to have a preference for words. My mother thinks she should be more verbal by now. Should I be concerned or is this just talking late?

Thank you, Monica

Dear Monica,

Language develops pretty rapidly between two and three years old, resulting in a three year old having a vocabulary of about 1,000 words. Vocabulary continues to increase at about 50 words a month to about 14,000 words by age seven years old. Your pediatrician will be able to assess your daughter in terms of language development when you bring this to their attention.

Joan Oates is a licensed California Registered Nurse with a private practice in Stress and Anger Management. Submit your question at www.jsocbtcoach.com.

Ready, Set, Play!

By Kris Bordessa

Five energy-burning games to entice kids to get outside, get active and get their game on!

Beanbag Basketball

Teams work together to score points as they travel up and down the playing field trying to make a basket with a beanbag.

Number of players: 6 or more; ages 7 and up

Get ready:

A beanbag (or tie about a cup of dry beans into an old sock)

2 buckets or flower pots

1 coin

Get set: In an open area, place the buckets about 30 feet apart. Use cones or chalk to mark sidelines about 20 feet apart. Divide kids into two teams. Assign each team a bucket. Flip a coin to see which team gets the beanbag first.

Go!: Starting on the end of the court opposite their bucket, the offensive team (the team with the beanbag) tries to move the beanbag into their bucket. The player holding the beanbag may not move his feet. He must pass the beanbag to another player on the team, who in turn may not move her feet. Players who do not hold the beanbag may move freely. The defensive team tries to distract the other players, making it harder to make good passes, but may not take the beanbag out of anyone's hands or physically touch any other player. If the beanbag makes its way into the bucket, score one point for that team. If the beanbag is passed, then dropped or intercepted, the defending team takes possession of the beanbag at that point. The first team to reach 20 points wins.

Tug for Two

A pared-down version of the classic tug-o-war, this game involves two players competing in four rounds of rope pulling fun.

Number of players: 2 equal size opponents; ages 5 and up

Get ready:

2 old towels

An 8-10 foot length of rope, knotted at each end

Get set: Place the towels about three feet apart on the ground. One player stands on each towel and holds onto the end of the rope.

Go!: At a start signal, players battle it out in a one-on-one tug-o-war, trying to get their opponent to step off of the towel. In round two, players balance on one leg. Round three pits players against each other using only one arm. And in the final round, players take a seat literally as they try to dismount each other from a sitting position. The player who wins the most rounds by making his opponent step off of the towel wins that game; best two out of three games wins the match.

Kick the Cow

With four goals, four teams and a recycled milk carton, this boisterous game is kind of like soccer, squared.

Number of players: 8 or more; ages 7 and up

Get ready:

1 empty milk carton

Duct tape

Permanent marker

8 cones or empty plastic bottles, filled part way with sand or water for weight

Get set: Completely cover the outside of the milk carton with duct tape. Mark all sides of the milk carton with consecutive numbers, one through four ("1" on one side, "2" on the adjacent side and so on). In a large grassy area at least 40 feet square, mark four equally spaced goals, one on each side of the square. Set the goal cones so that each goal has an opening of at least four feet. Divide kids into four teams. If there aren't enough kids for four teams, use only two goals and two teams.

Go!: Toss the carton to see which team starts on offense; the team that rolls the highest number starts with the carton. Played in a manner similar to soccer, each team tries to control the Cow and kick it into the opposing teams' goal. Teams can score in any goal except their own. When a player kicks a goal, the number facing up is added to his team's score. It's also deducted from the score of the team that allowed the goal (negative scores are inevitable). Play starts again at the center of the field, with the team that allowed the last goal controlling the carton. The first team to get 12 points wins.

Double disc

Teams race to keep wildly flying discs airborne in this kinetic, energetic battle of boundaries.

Number of players: 2-10 per team; ages 7 and up

Get ready:

2 flying discs

A 20-foot length of rope or chalk

Cones or empty plastic bottles (fill part way with sand or water for weight)

Get set: In a large, open area, mark a 20-foot line on the ground with chalk or a piece of rope. Use cones to mark boundary lines about 20 feet away from the center line on each side of the playing field. Divide the kids into two teams. Kids should stand facing each other on opposite sides of the center line. Give each team a disc to start (for large groups, try using multiple flying discs).

Go!: At a start signal, players throw the flying discs across the line. Players continue to pass the flying discs back and forth simultaneously, trying to avoid having both discs land on their side of the line at the same time. Any time two discs are on one side of the playing field within the boundaries (either on the ground or in the hands of a player), the opposite side scores a point. The first team to 10 points wins.

Box-Pong

Ping-pong is "supersized" in this playground version of the familiar tabletop game. Accuracy and speed are critical for keeping up with the bouncing ball.

Number of players: 2; ages 8 and up

Get ready:

A playground-size rubber ball

Chalk

Get set: Draw two adjacent four-foot squares on a driveway (or use sidewalk squares that are not near the street). The sidewalk crack between the two squares is the centerline or "net." The space beyond the edge of the squares is out of bounds.

Go!: Players stand behind their assigned square, just as they would stand at a ping-pong table, and may not step into the playing court. Players determine if they will use one hand or two during play. The first player serves the ball, bouncing it into his opponent's square. Players hit the ball back and forth between boxes using open palms without catching the ball. Players may return the ball after it bounces in their own square or hit it back before it touches the ground. If a player fails to return a shot, or if the ball bounces outside of his opponent's box, he loses the rally. Serve is maintained by winner of the rally, who receives one point. The player who reaches 21 first is the winner.

Kris Bordessa writes regularly about family activities. Her next book, Great Medieval Projects You Can Build Yourself (Nomad Press), is due out in September. Visit her online at krisbordessa.com.

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